Pandas Get Porn

A young male panda in a Thai zoo has been put on an "intensive mating course."

Stop laughing, it gets better.

The "course" includes daily viewings of pornographic and a low-carb diet. But it's not working. Six year old Chuang Chuang isn't all that interested in his five year old partner Lin Hui.

There's a couple of obvious problems with this "intensive mating course".

Firstly, even a male panda could be expected to feel uncomfortable watching porn with a bunch of zookeepers and researchers standing around waiting to see how he reacts.

Secondly, this story doesn't specify what kind of 'porn' the panda is being shown.

You are left to presume that it is footage of pandas mating, but does that qualify as porn? Isn't that more like nature footage?

Or did they go out and specifically create 'panda porn' for the pro-mating program? Did it have a slap-bass heavy soundtrack? Were pandas dressed as cheerleaders and football players?

No details.

The final obvious problem comes with this admission from one of the zoo's veterinarians. "We sought expert opinions from China and have been closely monitoring their behaviour."

Maybe the pandas are shy? And just who are these Chinese experts providing opinion on panda porn?

The veterinarian, Kannikar Nimtragul, revealed the panda porn videos were only 15 minutes long.

Fifteen minutes? So they're just straight hardcore then? No lead in? No build up? Maybe Chuang Chuang would like to see some examples of panda seduction, or pawplay (sorry) before he gets aroused enough for some real-life action :

The panda's keepers hope to warm him up before next week, when his partner will be fertile and could be impregnated.

That sounds suspiciously like that poor panda is about to get molested.

"We had to educate Chuang Chuang about how to mate," Ms Kannikar said.

"He showed some interest in the sounds of the video, but not really the footage."

Giant pandas, notorious for their low sex drive, are among the world's most endangered animals.

It's been said before, but it's worth saying again : If pandas don't want to reproduce, maybe it's time to let them die out. Maybe Nature is telling these pandas their time on Planet Earth is over.

Perhaps it's not the porn, or the low-carb diet, or the fact the zookeepers decided to keep the two young pandas isolated from each other in a bizarre attempt to build up desire.

Or maybe the pandas are too freaked out to mate, because they're surrounded by people who can't stop staring at them, who show them porno and do things like this :

Chiang Mai held an elaborate, traditional Chinese wedding for the couple in 2005 in the hope of encouraging them to procreate, and is considering bringing in a snow machine to help recreate a mountainous habitat.

The panda's keepers hope to warm (Chaung Chuang) up before next week, when his partner will be fertile and could be impregnated.

That sounds suspiciously like that poor panda is about to get molested.